Loop by Huina Zheng
Why didn’t you pick up sooner? Ma says. I’ve been reading to Lan, I say, my eyes still on the colorful pages of the picture book. I had the phone on silent. She says, nonsense. Lan’s so young. What picture book would a toddler read? I read to her because she enjoys it. We read every day, I say. She sighs. The distant drone of a TV ad filters through the phone, a constant hum that fills her silence. When Ma’s home alone, the absence of voices unnerves her, so she always turns the TV on. Have you thought about that? Ma asks. Your Popo called me again. She was complaining about you. Popo and Ma were childhood playmates. She likes my hard work and capability, and pushed me to marry her son, Min. Of course, I married Min not because of her, but because I fell for him. Why aren’t you talking? Ma asks. Listen to me, while you’re still young, have another one. That way everyone will be happy. Has Ba’s fever gone down? I ask her. Yes, it’s gone down since last night. Just a common cold. Many people have caught the flu recently, I say. You and Ba should be careful, avoid crowded places. Don’t change the subject, Ma says. Your Popo still likes you. If you give her a grandson, she’ll like you even more. We’ve already discussed it, Min and I. Lan is enough for us, I say. Having another child would be too much pressure. That’s nonsense, Ma exclaims. Lan puts down her sheep doll and looks at me. I walk over, pat her back, and kiss her forehead. She lowers her head and goes back to her doll. Ma says, I raised four children when your father and I were poor, with nothing in our house. And now you’re saying it’s hard to raise just one? Times are different now, I say. Raising a child today requires so much money and effort—Ma interrupts, don’t make excuses. Just have another one. If you have a son, your Popo will definitely help take care of him. This time, I sigh. Having another child doesn’t guarantee it will be a son, I remind her. That’s why I’m telling you to do IVF, Ma says. That way, it’ll definitely be a son. My worth is not in having a son, I say to myself. Out loud, I say, Ma, please stop. If she really wants a grandson, her other daughter-in-law can have one. I’m not having another child. Have you thought about this? Ma says. What if the other daughter-in-law has a son? They’ll like her even more. You’ll get even more of those glares from your Popo. Do you remember how your grandma treated me before your brother was born? She scolded me—I stop her. Ma, I know, please don’t say anymore. I hug Lan from behind, breathing in the sweet scent of baby lotion and milk. I feel the warmth of her in my arms, reminding myself that I love her deeply. You don’t understand, Ma says. I need to hang up now, I say. I’m doing this for your own good, Ma says. If I wasn’t worried about you, would I be saying all this? I know, I say. I put down the phone, then worry that my response wasn’t firm enough. She’ll probably call again.
Image by Ibraimleonardo for Pexels
Huina Zheng (she/her) is a college essay coach and editor. Her work has been featured in Baltimore Review, Variant Literature, and other publications. Nominated multiple times for the Pushcart Prize and Best of the Net, she resides in Guangzhou, China, with her family.